Montague Christmas PLAY

(written for the Montague Mummers, Christmas 2025)

CHRISTMAS:

	Room, room, brave gallants, make room for us today
	    'Tis every day we sing, but once a year we give a play!

	In comes I, old Saint Nick the gift-giver
	    Keeping watch over village and farm
	This year I'm concerned that the land and the river
	    Have come under much man-made harm

	To people and to land, some men are grave dangers
	    To tell you more, let these Ladies not be strangers!

LADIES:

	In come we, the Ladies Liberty!
	    We're here to keep kings from our nation
	The parallels 'tween King George and Donald are plain to see
	    From a reading of the good ol' Declaration

LADY 1:

	"He has refused his Assent to Laws, 
	    the most wholesome and necessary for the public good."

LADY 2:

	All while his people give their applause
	    And drown out the truth with falsehood!

LADIES:

	No kings!

LADY 1:

	"He has sent hither swarms of Officers 
	    to harrass our people, and eat out their substance."

LADY 2:

	Making new norms of living in fear
	    Allowing no recourse for justice!

LADIES:

	No kings!

LADY 1:

	"He has plundered our seas, ravaged our Coasts, 
	    burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people." 

LADY 2:

	Plundered, ravaged, burnt, destroyed ...
	    I know we're talking about the White House strong-armer
	But I'm reminded of all the big yellow toys
	    Belonging to a certain cardiologist "farmer"

CARDIOLOGIST:

	In comes I, a brassy cardiologist,
	    Though I'd far rather be a simple farmer
	In school all the lessons of ecology I missed
	    But on my bulldozer I'm sure I'll do no harm 'ere

	These trees and soil just need removing
	    Into wood and sand piles, that's my vision
	And these wetlands, well, they just need improving
	    I know better than the conservation commission!

LADIES:

	Is there a doctor to be found
	    To cure the land's deep and deadly wound?

LADY 2:

	Yes, but unfortunately he's driving the bulldozer!

ELVIS:

	In comes I, from the swamps of Memphis
	    No doctor, A Fool Such As I
	Look, I know that with you ladies, royalty is contentious,
	    But perhaps the King might give this one a try

LADIES:

	A King?! What is your dominion?

ELVIS:

	From Tupelo to Graceland, 
	    From Las Vegas to Hawai`i
	But now the Western Regional Office 
	    Of the Massachusetts Department
	    Of Environmental Protection has hired me (force bad rhyme)

LADIES:

	But what are your qualifications?

ELVIS:

	I know how to care for the land and its creatures
	    Protecting the wetlands and all of their features
	Like singing swamp rock, there's just one simple rule
	    Whatever you do ... Don't Be Cruel

LADIES:

	Your logic compels us, our champion you'll be
	    Doctor Elvis the Pelvis, our "D E P"

ELVIS: (to the tune of Heartbreak Hotel)

	Well down the end of Lonely Street, 
	    Way down Old Sunderland
	Where once a wise man used to farm
	    Now only Fools Rush In

CARDIOLOGIST: (still to Heartbreak Hotel kinda)

	I'm not with the Russians! 
	    No Trump sycophant is I!
	If you looked into my campaign contributions, 
	    You'd find I was a Desantis guy!

LADY 1:

	Was Desantis even in the Top Forty?

LADY 2:

	Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

CARDIOLOGIST:

	Look, erosion control is simple for me:
	    "It's basic fluid dynamics."
	And rather than sit for another degree,
	    I can solve this with Visa, and MasterCard, and AmEx.

ELVIS: (to the tune of Blue Suede Shoes)

	Well he's one for the money, 
	    but his words are all show.
	Sediment's everywhere
	    that these streams flow

	The Montague Reporter's where you read news,
	    That the culverts are full and workers gotta wade in ooze!	

CARDIOLOGIST:

	If I buy enough trucks and build a boundary fence
	    I'll turn this farm into an or-chard
	I'm the absolute best at circulatory stents,
	    So why's growing fruit trees sore hard? (emphasize bad rhyme)

ELVIS: (to the tune of Hound Dog)

	Well you said you was the best
	    Well, that was just a lie
	Yeah you said you was the best
	    Well, that was just a lie

	You've "engaged in conduct that undermines the public confidence 
	in the integrity of the medical profession," 
	    and you've been accordingly fined!

LADIES:

	Oooh! He's all shook up!

ELVIS:

	It's time to go far away with your yellow machines, and
	    Leave this land fallow, to arise new
	That bulldozer'd be great pushing snow up in Greenland
	    And maybe the Danes could socialize you

LADIES:

	Doctor EP, you're our champion bold
	    A worthy King like Martin Luther, B.B., and Carole
	But what shall be done with our scampy Donald
	    Who like George of old our land does imperil?

ELVIS:

	Your 47 and the old George the Three
	    Are certainly birds of a feather
	Continue to show up for our liberty
	    And someday those two'll come together:

EVERYBODY: (to the tune of Jailhouse Rock)

	Number 47 said to Number 3
	    "You're the cutest jailbird I ever did see
	I sure would be delighted with your company
	    Come on and do the Jailhouse Rock with me!"

	Let's rock, everybody, let's rock!

CHRISTMAS:

	And now, O ancient land in a new nation
	    Yearning to breathe free,
	May you rise up in an act of creation,
	    Reborn in liberty!

ALL sing Acts of Creation.